Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder that centers on romantic relationships. Individuals with ROCD experience intrusive, unwanted doubts and fears about their partner or the relationship itself despite often being in loving, healthy partnerships. These obsessions can lead to intense anxiety, compulsive reassurance-seeking, emotional numbness, and chronic uncertainty that interferes with daily life and long-term happiness. Individuals with ROCD may break up with their partner and then get back together with them repeatedly, causing the relationship to suffer. Many of my clients with ROCD come to me when their previous attempts at therapy have failed, and they have reached a crisis point in their relationships.
What Is Relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD is a subtype of OCD in which obsessions focus on questions such as:
-
Do I really love my partner?
-
What if I chose the wrong person?
-
What if I’m not attracted enough?
-
What if someone better is out there?
-
What if I’m lying to my partner, or myself?
These thoughts are not normal relationship doubts that are normal, fluid, and tolerable. Instead, they are persistent, intrusive, and anxiety-provoking, often feeling urgent and impossible to resolve. The individual may feel compelled to analyze their feelings constantly or seek certainty where certainty is impossible.
ROCD obsessions typically fall into two main categories:
1. Relationship-Centered Obsessions
These focus on the relationship itself:
-
Doubts about whether the relationship is “right”
-
Fear of settling or making a catastrophic mistake
-
Obsessing over the feeling of love rather than shared values or commitment
-
Constantly checking whether the relationship feels “perfect” or “enough”
2. Partner-Focused Obsessions
These focus on perceived flaws in the partner:
-
Appearance, intelligence, personality, or social skills
-
Comparing one’s partner to others
-
Fixating on minor imperfections and amplifying them
-
Fear that these flaws mean the relationship must end
ROCD Compulsions and Safety Behaviors
To cope with anxiety, individuals with ROCD often engage in compulsions, including:
-
Repeatedly checking feelings (“How do I feel right now?”)
-
Seeking reassurance from friends, family, or the internet
-
Mentally reviewing past memories for proof of love
-
Comparing the relationship to others or to idealized standards
-
Avoiding commitment, intimacy, or future planning
-
Googling relationship advice compulsively
-
Testing attraction or emotional reactions
While these behaviors may provide brief relief, they ultimately reinforce the OCD cycle and increase long-term distress.
How ROCD Impacts Relationships
ROCD can be emotionally exhausting for both partners. The person with ROCD may feel guilty, disconnected, or afraid of hurting their partner, while the partner may feel confused, rejected, or responsible for providing reassurance.
Importantly, ROCD is not a sign that the relationship is wrong. In fact, ROCD often targets relationships that are meaningful, stable, and emotionally important. OCD tends to attack what we value most.
ROCD vs. Normal Relationship Doubts
All relationships involve uncertainty. The key difference is how the doubt functions. Normal doubts come and go, are tolerable, and allow for flexibility. Obsessive doubt and certainty seeking is constant, intrusive and creates deep sadness, grief, and the feeling of impending doom. Individuals with ROCD feel the URGENT need to figure out whether or not the relationship they are in is right for them, and to act on their decision immediately. It is the uncertainty that is intolerable, causing severe anxiety.
It is important to note that in ROCD, the problem is not the relationship; it is the compulsive need to eliminate uncertainty.
Evidence-Based Treatment for Relationship OCD
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)
ERP helps individuals gradually face relationship-related fears without performing compulsions. Over time, the brain learns that uncertainty is tolerable and anxiety naturally subsides.
Examples include:
-
Allowing doubts to exist without reassurance
-
Engaging in the relationship despite discomfort
-
Letting feelings fluctuate without analysis
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for OCD
ACT focuses on:
-
Learning to coexist with uncertainty
-
Detaching from obsessive thoughts
-
Making relationship choices based on values, not fear
-
Building psychological flexibility
Trauma-Informed Approaches
For some individuals, ROCD is linked to attachment wounds, relational trauma, or early experiences of inconsistency or emotional insecurity. Integrating trauma-informed care can be essential.
What Recovery from ROCD Looks Like
Recovery does not mean achieving perfect certainty about your relationship. Instead, it means:
-
No longer being controlled by obsessive doubt
-
Responding differently to intrusive thoughts
-
Letting feelings ebb and flow naturally
-
Choosing commitment based on values rather than anxiety
-
Experiencing more presence, intimacy, and emotional freedom