Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD) can wreak havoc on romantic relationships. If your partner lives with ROCD, you may hear them vocalize repeated doubts about the relationship. This can be very taxing to you, and you may take it personally. They perform constant reassurance-seeking, and often withdraw from you. How can you stay in the relationship without feeling constantly hurt or inadequate while at the same time supporting your partner through their ROCD cycles? This can get very tricky for partners.
What Is Relationship OCD (ROCD)?
Relationship OCD is a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder focused on intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors about one’s romantic relationship.
Instead of general worries, ROCD creates persistent, distressing questions about making the decision to make a commitment to a partner like:
“Do I really love my partner?”
“Are they the ‘right’ person?”
“What if I’m settling?”
“What if my partner cheat on me?”
“What if my partner won’t make a good parent?”
ROCD can also take the form of doubting a partner’s love, devotion or honesty. These questions sound more like:
“He didn’t pick up the phone. What if he’s with someone else?”
“He stuttered before he said ‘I love you’. What if he doesn’t love me anymore?”
“What if he doesn’t really enjoy sex with me?”
These thoughts are intrusive and unwanted, not reflective of true feelings. To relieve anxiety, your partner may engage in compulsions such as:
- Repeatedly asking for reassurance (Do you love me?)
- Mentally reviewing past interactions with you to “make sure” they are making the right choice.
- Comparing your relationship to others such as friends or family members. (Instagram is terrible for this.)
- Seeking certainty about feelings through constant rumination, or conversations with friends and family, or even with you.
What Causes ROCD?
OCD is typically an inherited anxiety disorder fueled by trauma around relationships. The main fear that drives the compulsive behavior is the fear of making the wrong choice that will result in
catastrophic results including chronic unhappiness or abandonment. The fear is persistent and can cause panic or suicidal ideation. Your partner with ROCD is tormented by these fears to such an extent that the only thing they want is just to feel relief, some kind of certainty.
How ROCD Affects You as a Partner
Loving someone with ROCD is often very painful. You may feel exhausted from repeated reassurance cycles, hurt by doubts that seem personal, and confused about what’s “real” in the relationship. You may have taken it upon yourself to manage your partner’s anxiety, and get caught up in hours long and frequent conversations about the relationship.
You need to remember that ROCD is not a reflection of your worth or the quality of your relationship. You do not need to change yourself, and you do not need to get caught up in your partners ruminations. You are entitled to set boundaries around reassurance seeking.
How to Support a Partner with ROCD (Without Making It Worse)
Supporting someone with ROCD requires a balance: being compassionate without reinforcing compulsions.
Understanding the cycle helps tremendously. ROCD follows a loop of anxiety, reassurance seeking, temporary relief, and the return of anxiety. Break the pattern by not offering reassurance and gently guide your partner with ROCD to seek different coping skills such as:
- Sitting with their anxiety without receiving reassurance
- Noticing their OCD thoughts but not engaging in them.
- Distracting themselves from the thoughts with other activities.
Examples of reassurance are:
Yes, I love you, don’t worry.
Ok I’ll try my best to change for you.
Of course I’m not cheating on you.
I’m the right person for you.
Don’t Take the Thoughts Personally! They are not about you. You are not being rejected by your partner even though it may feel that way. Set healthy boundaries with your partner by encouraging them to seek professional help for their OCD, and leave you out of their ruminatory process.
Couples therapy can also help, but it should be OCD-informed, or it may unintentionally reinforce symptoms.
Ultimately your role isn’t to eliminate your partner’s anxiety, it’s to support them in learning how to live with uncertainty, a normal part of existence.