We all know the usual reasons people have sex, for pleasure, to show love, and to procreate. There are, however, other uses for sex that people don’t generally identify. It is very useful to understand these other meanings of the sexual experience to inform treatment for individuals with anxiety, and a history of interpersonal difficulties. Awareness of the several meanings of sex can enrich the psychotherapuetic experience, and shine a light on unhealthy relationship patterns.
Sex to Express Anger:
Many individuals use sex as a way to sublimate or express their anger toward another person without communicating the anger verbally. Due to barriers in healthy communication, people who use sex in this way often confuse their partners, and often are not aware that this is actually what they are doing. The anger may be directed toward the sexual partner, or the world at large. Sex to express anger and hostility can be consensual with a partner in a committed relationship, or can become an extremely ugly forced situation.
Sex to Assert Power and Control:
Many use sex to assert a sense of ownership upon another individual, to show them who’s boss. If this kind of sex could talk, it would say “I own you, and I have the power in this relationship”. This is many times the kind of sex that rears its head in domestically violent relationships, and at the beginning of such relationships can be misperceived by the receiver as passionate and wild, but in actuality a sign of the rocky path to come. This kind of sex can be consensual, but also occurs as rape.
Sex to Show Possession:
This kind of sex is not necessarily unhealthy or a sign of a problematic relationship. It is a generally mutual expression of being in a relationship with another person, and marking one’s territory as one’s own. Couples engage in this kind of sex when they feel insecure about losing the other person, and at times even leave a mark on the other person to show that they have been with them; typically a “love bite” or hickey.
Sex as an Anxiety Reducer:
Many individuals use sex as a means to calm themselves, relax, get back to feeling their bodies again. In this form sex acts as any drug might act. Orgasm releases endorphins into the body that have a similar affect to opiates. They calm, soothe, and are responsible for the emotion of happiness. This is sex to escape the pressures of life, and get away from distressing thoughts. Sex used excessively in this manner can become addicting given the predispositions of the individual.
Sex to Build Self Esteem:
Sex can also be used as a boost to the ego, and appears to indicate to many that they are attractive, and desirable. The logic is that if another person is willing to have sex with you, then you must be attractive. Sex becomes the proof, and when the individual starts to feel insecure in themselves again, they seek sex to assuage their fears. The more people they have sex with, the more desirable they become. Sex with an especially conventionally attractive person becomes important to reflect one’s own attractiveness.
Sex for a Rush:
This goes hand in hand with reducing anxiety as well, but many are thrill seekers with regard to sex. The rush of a novel or unusual sexual situation can be intoxicating and addicting. Individuals who are seeking the rush from sex may put themselves in progressively more precarious and dangerous situations in order to continue feeling excitement.
Sex to Show Gratitude or Repayment:
Some individuals have sex with another person as a sign of gratitude for kindness, or to repay them for a favor. Individuals who engage in this kind of sex often feel that their only worth is in their ability to sexually gratify someone. Those who have been sexually abused or who have been raised to think of their bodies as currency are especially prone to doing this.
Sex as a Consolation Prize:
Generally referred to as “pity sex”. Individuals who engage in this type of sex often do it out of guilt to satisfy their own conscience for something that they perceived as a wrong doing that they have inflicted. This occurs in broken up couples in which one party is feeling sorry for the other person, or feels badly for having hurt the other person.
Sex out of Obligation:
This kind of sex occurs when people feel like they have to have sex because it is their job, their duty as a partner, a task to be performed a certain number of times per week to fulfill the requirements of a relationship. It functions as something you’re supposed to do to keep a relationship going, and is not a sign of real desire for the other person.
Sex to Fill a Void:
Some individuals suffer from chronic feelings of emptiness, boredom, and dissatisfaction. They use sex to decrease feelings of loneliness, and to give meaning to their existence. These individuals experience unbearable existential angst, mood swings, interpersonal difficulties, and a sense that they are “disappearing”. Sex for these individuals is a quick fix, but often leaves them feeling more empty and unresolved.
Sex to Show Forgiveness:
Often referred to as “make up sex”, confirming that the relationship will be salvaged and a willingness to move past an issue or betrayal.
Sex for Vengeance:
This kind of sex happens when one half of a couple feels wronged by their other half, betrayed, hurt, and angry. They seek to get the other person back for an infidelity or hurt of some sort, and vindicate themselves by sleeping with someone else. Eye for an eye sex is very hurtful to the receiver, but seldom recognized until after the deed is done.
How many of these different types of sex have you engaged in? Do you seem to have one kind more frequently than the rest? Or perhaps a combination of the types? Most mature, sexually active individuals have likely experienced most or all of these at some point. In one sexual encounter many of these meanings can be conveyed. Take a moment to get to know your sexuality better, and understand your interpersonal patterns.